What should have happened in Eastenders...I think...

Well it has been some week in Eastenders hasn't it? I mean it must be, because I never get to watch it and yet I am more familiar with the events of Albert Square this week than I am with the strange comings and goings of my own neighbourhood...
With thousands of complaints ranging from 'She'd definitely know it wasn't her baby' to the more painful reminders which it has envoked in other people who have endured a similarly horrendous loss in their own lives, the storyline has been one of the most controversial and emotional ever shown on a primetime soap. Having not watched it I am unable to comment (you'll be relieved to hear) on the story's relevance, worth or execution but I have nonetheless given it some thought & have quite unintentionally came up with an alternative which would have had the same qualities of shock and human predicament but with a festive-friendly humourous edge, and more importantly a distinct reduction in the all-too-high Borough of Walford death rate...
One thing which I must say about the current storyline (I didn't PROMISE did I?!) though is that I believe it is  plausable that some people might not recognise their own baby when it is less than a couple of days old. Babies can be quite swollen, jaundiced and unusually-coloured in the days immediately following their birth. Most have blue eyes and not-much-hair (although my own Son1 had as much hair at birth as I have now but he's another story) and are all pretty much the same size. Son2 looked really butch for the 1st few days-baldy & red-faced (a bit like Phil Mitchell actually) but seemed to turn into a really lollipop-headed soft-looking teddy bear overnight.  I'm willing to bet that if anyone glances into their pram & sees a baby in there wearing the same clothes it was wearing when they put it in there they'll not question too deeply any changes that could be attributed simply to washing the crusty bits off in the baby's first bath or the venthouse-head-swell finally subsiding etc. I say this in part, because my alternative story rests it's whole 'case' on the babies looking similar!

Okay, so this is it. I can't decide whether to do this as a script, a bullet-point list or a narrative so you may be in for an uncomfortable mix of the three. Just be relieved it's written at all-if I was saying it to you you'd have to bear with wild, unpredictable hand-gestures accompanying the story so you have something to be grateful for that I live too far away from most of you to put you through that as well.

Okay (again) so Kat and Ronnie have both got new babies. Cute little boys. Ahhh. Born on the same day at roughly the same time in the same places as the original storyline. So far so good. On the same day (1/2 days later) that the real Eastenders show the cot death, my alternative is one of happiness as both Mothers proudly go for a lunchtime drink and lunch (does the QV do lunch? In my one it does!) with their new babies and the head-wetting Dads. They both laugh when they see that (I don't know who?!) has been totally unimaginative in their gift to the babies, giving each identical sleepsuits from the market, which both babies are sporting on their first big day 'out'.
The matriachs that are Mo? (Kat's Nan) and Dot are sat together (I'm not sure if they get on but in that famous-since-Eastenders Eastend way, any differences are set aside for the welcoming of the Square's latest arrivals) and they are reminiscing together about new babies in their day ('All these new-fangled prams with thermometers and cup holders-you can't beat a good bouncy Silver Cross'/'proper knitted booties are the only way to keep a baby warm not these scrappy little leather things' etc) and the new Mums decide to hand the babies over to their respective 'Granny-figure' for 'photos' (but really to enable them to get a bite to eat!) The Vic is very busy and both Mums are chatting away to friends etc for some time. In the meantime the 'Grannies' continue their chatting and with the odd interruption of people wanting a quick cuddle with the babies, they are every bit as content as a Granny with a baby should be. What they haven't noticed is that on one occasion when they have released the babies from their vice-like grips for cuddles with a couple of the regulars, they baby they take back is the wrong one. No worries viewer, you know the Mothers will come over in a minute and spot the difference with that Mother's eagle-eye.
However, these Dads want to be good Dads. Especially in front of the assembled crowd, and so when said Dads are chatting together & notice the old dears may be on their third glass of Sherry they swoop in, rescue 'their' babies and suggest that they'll take their boys off home (or upstairs in Alfie's case) while the Mums enjoy a well-earned rest/social. By the time the babies wake up for a feed in their darkened rooms, the Mums are tired, go through the motions of feeding, changing and putting back to bed, and head for an early night. By the morning, slightly more alert and in good light both Mothers observe how their babies have 'lost some of that swollen look/filled out a bit (must be making good milk eh?!)', observations backed-up by the midwives who visit that morning and tell the ladies to prepare for the baby to change massively over the next couple of weeks and dangle that oh-so-longed-for carrot of the 'first smile' and so things go on...
This story could have been played out for months or even years with tantalising references to the fact that baby A looks more like Dad B 'Anything you care to confess?!!!' being bandied about in jest until one of the families has a distant relative with a genetic illness. Routine testing of the family could reveal the awful secret...and so could begin the 'Do they swap back?' storyline, the relevance of which has been highlighted by awful IVF mix-ups of recent years.
Okay, so it's convenient, unbelievable and ludicrous, but this is Eastenders, and it would be a rare Eastenders storyline that wouldn't feature a death...